Sometimes I Feel Alone

Sometimes I feel alone, surrounded by others and all alone. 

How can this be?  I have friends and family, colleagues and networks, tweets and social invites.  I update my status, share pics, comment on posts.  I network, attend meetings and am a part of teams.  I am connected to many yet disconnected from all.

Maybe it is a bit of social ambiguity or a deficiency in intimacy?  Maybe its both, or neither?  

I oftentimes have to resist overly negative thoughts.  They ravage my mind with an endless array of doubt and frustration.  Uncertainty grips my life and instills decision paralysis.  Moving forward seems impossible but doing nothing leads to ruin.

As depression becomes a reality, I fight to maintain a sense of my former self.  Optimism is fading.  Laughter is but a distant echo.  The fear of losing what I once was is quickly overtaking my will.  I slide back into a defensive posture with violent bursts of anger towards those I love….and deeper into self isolation.

This can’t happen to me.  Those are the stories you hear of others.  How could this be?  It must be nonsense.  It will go away as soon as…..   or maybe when……  then everything will go back to how it used to be. 

Is that what any of us really need, to get back to how it used to be?  Am I just remembering the good of my past and disregarding the bad?  It is a potentially devastating trap many succumb to when life happens.  Brash decisions in the face of intense struggle can lead to even greater disorder.  So, I take my time to carefully plan a stable course of action.

Nevertheless, another day comes and goes with no resolution.  Continued hard work produces precious hope but the feeling remains. 

Every second of every day I seek wisdom in my toil.  Small epiphanies occur and when combined help maintain buoyancy.  Consistent prayer/meditation/reflection calms the mind and helps guide actions.  An intense focus on essential priorities helps maintain focus.  And then rest and pray for a better day.